Fake it ‘til you make it

Howdy!  Well, I’m back to the daily grind after a long, exhausting, and super-fun whirlwind of a weekend!  We had an amazing time in not-much-warmer-than-NYC South Carolina celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas with my in-laws and nephews.  Did you know Santa makes early Christmas visits?   I’ll post pictures and a full weekend recap (including my first-ever trip to Chuck E. Cheese!) tonight.

So lately, I’ve been in a bit of a rut, food-wise and life-wise especially.  I can’t put on my finger on one thing that’s bothering me or making me feel down – and really, it just might be seasonal affective disorder – but I just feel “off” and generally unmotivated when it comes to life.  I’ve got stacks of paper and piles of crap all over our apartment that I make small dents in but don’t clean up completely and a ridiculous basket full of laundry I still haven’t done (I still have clean underwear and clothes, don’t worry!). 

As far as food goes, I primarily eat takeout or easy-to-prepare stuff (hello, frozen Amy’s meals and Clif bars!) and haven’t been getting in my daily fruit and veggie requirements consistently.  In all honesty, I have plenty of time to cook and prepare nice meals, but I’m just not motivated to do so.  I’ve also been snacking too much on junk, like random bites of cookies, chocolate, cereal, etc., and am certainly eating more than I should each day. 

Weirdly, I’ve been able to adhere to my exercise schedule over the past few weeks (the most elementary version of it: doing some form of exercise 2-3x/week for 30 minutes plus) and, for the most part, my spending budget; usually, when one aspect of my life starts to unravel, the rest go along with it, especially when it comes to weight loss.  If I’m eating badly I’m likely not exercising, and if I’m exercising regularly, I’m usually eating well.  I can’t figure it out.

I really want to lose the weight and finally get to goal, but I’m having a hard time motivating myself to do all the work that will get me there and keep me there.  If exercise was all it took to get healthy, I’d be well on my way to 135 lbs., but I know that’s only part of the equation.  I’ve got to get my eating – and my head – straightened out too. 

I was hoping that starting Kara’s Marathon would be the spark that got me back on track and losing, but it hasn’t worked out that way.  Now that I have a health blog, I’m not Super Kara: Health Machine (*insert superhero theme music here*), I’m just regular old Kara with a blog.  The same thing happened with next year’s marathon, the prospect starting a family in the future and our upcoming summer vacation: great sparks or motivators to lose weight that don’t keep me focused long-term. 

I realized today that I’ve ALWAYS relied on these sparks of realization or aha! moments to get me on track with my weight loss; essentially relying on external motivation, not dedication.  I need to commit to losing the weight and getting healthy not for an event, or vacation, or anything, really – I need to do it just for me.  It’s not going to stick otherwise!  Since I’m still struggling with dedication currently – as I mentioned before, my head’s just not there right now – I’ve come up with a new plan: fake it ‘til you make it. 

Here’s what FITYMI means to me: I’m going to track every bite I eat in my online Weight Watchers tracker, whether I want to or not.  My hope is that a) tracking points will start to become second nature again and b) I’ll start caring about the quantity and quality of food that I eat if I have to write it down.  I’ll also start sharing my daily points totals on the blog, in addition to pics of the food that I eat.

In addition, I’m really going to work on my emotional stuff by journaling (some public on the blog, some private), reading and general introspection.  I’ve used food to muffle my feelings for a REALLY long time; it’s time to start feeling these emotions again and dealing with them properly.  This isn’t going to be pretty, but I have to do it. 

Back later!

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